I wrote this article to share with you a very interesting experience I had last week. Here is the story:
A few months ago on my visit to Israel I met a really nice man. It was two days before the end of my trip and the connection was smooth and easy.
We decided to meet in Italy month later to test the waters. I planned a week on the beautiful Amalfi Coast. We started the journey in Milan, and upon his arrival I was already in the hotel room waiting.
It was both comfortable and strange; after all, we didn’t really know each other that well! Quickly things warmed up and the unavoidable happened…
I wasn’t sure how I felt about it since I usually need much more time to know a man before I can connect physically and mentally. No surprise it wasn’t as I imagined it to be.
I didn’t feel nourished or seduced enough. However, our connection was really beautiful. We had fun, we laughed a lot but no sexual energy flowed between us after that first encounter.
We slept in the same bed sharing a beautiful holiday, yet I didn’t feel him wanting me or desiring me in any way. I felt quit the same way, but something started itching at me: doesn’t he like me? How come he is not attracted to me? I found myself slipping into an insecure space. This insecurity led me into sharing the wrong stories about my past (my lovers, my experiences – things that a woman shouldn’t share with any man.)
On the fifth morning I woke up feeling sad, hurt, in such unease. I felt drained from my previous day of sharing my non-relevant past. I felt unworthy, unloved, and mostly stupid
During my morning yoga practice on the beautiful balcony over looking the Amalfi Coast, I then realized my behavior was due to evaluating myself from the eyes of another person – trying to empower myself using my ego. As a result I fell into a darker hole and made him more distant and uninterested. Luckily I was able to spot my emotion and really observe my feelings.
That moment of being able to watch what was going on inside of me was a moment of mini-awakening, a moment of total presence and space to rewire myself and see with clarity the behavior that was a product of my ego .
I decided to openly share my feelings with this guy about our sexual experience. I shared how I felt within it, without making him feel that I’m blaming him with anything. It was beautiful to see how quickly our connection took a different turn, and how from this moment on he saw me in a different light.
I realized the shift happened because the real shift first happened within me.
When I was true to myself, honest, present, and without the noise of my thoughts something new shined through me. My confidence and love for myself regardless of whether he liked me or not gave birth to a new energy that was flowing in me and outward.
That was (again) another beautiful experience, watching my behavior and self doubts running my life and living through me, and then creating my physical reality
Daily practice of self reflection observing our thoughts and behavior can constantly bring us into the deeper knowing of ourselves beyond the masks and the need to be loved and accepted by others
Love yourself, trust yourself, and the world will reflect that back at you. Daily practice with the Es’sensual Gemstones grounds me and in this case it helped me come to a deep realization that helped me grow in my relationship with my travel partner.