Today I want to share how my path in Jewish mysticism and practices has given me a new appreciation for the importance of finding a soulmate.
Coming from a free-spirited woman like me this seems pretty radical. Ever since my last divorce I’ve had pretty long-term relationships with lovers. I yearned for this sort of connection! I figured I was getting the best parts and leaving the drama behind.
As I’ve changed and searched for my other half, I’ve learned a few things that have helped me understand a man’s behavior before getting onto any sort of emotional rollercoaster. It took a lot of work on myself to gain this level of awareness, and of course I need to put in the effort to become the best version I can be if I want to find what I’m looking for.
At first I was a little embarrassed (considering myself modern and liberated) to admit something I had otherwise considered rather traditional: that it is better to stay away from sexual connection at the beginning of a relationship, because sex usually impairs our judgment and gets us attached for the wrong reasons.
I also learned that giving a man a chance to know him on a deeper level rather than dismissing him right away is important. Immature attraction for me was based on a man’s pheromones and a feeling I can only describe as electric when I saw him. As I’ve grown up a little, I’ve learned that my deepest relationships happened when I initially thought, “no way am I attracted to him!”
Now that I stay away from sex in the early stages of a relationship, I take the opportunity to actually get to know a man – his ways, his approach to life, and his ability to be a great lover – all by spending quality time without the confusion of sex. And by treating the process with more respect for my partner and myself, I tend to develop relationships with men who are more in tune with my motivations.
In the past few months I have had three different connections. Each has his own charm, and I was even able to determine if the guy would be a good lover before having sex with him.
A good lover is a man that gets his pleasure from seeing his woman’s enjoyment. His approach to daily life will carry into the bedroom, and vice versa. If the man is going out of his way to make you happy with attention to the little things (being attentive to your needs and doing small gestures for you), it’s a great sign he’ll also be attentive in the bedroom.
Another thing I found interesting is, how much he actually touches you (even just simple touching – your back, your hair, your hands) and feeling the way in which he approaches your body (his sensitivity) can be a great reflection of how he’ll touch you in the bedroom.
One of my “potential candidates” was a very handsome man that I was initially attracted to, and he was also on a similar spiritual path to mine.
I thought this was a great start, and we started spending time together. I noticed he loved my touch, but he never touched me back. He always wanted me to spoil him, but he never spoiled me back. A few weeks into our friendship I asked him to massage me because I wasn’t feeling well. After lots of convincing, he finally agreed to it (which is a huge “no-no”, a red flag for him being the wrong man). He wasn’t sensitive in his touch, and the experience was less than pleasant.
I put the dots together and knew very clearly that this man would not be a great lover inside or outside of the bedroom,
I’m sure if we had sex earlier on in the relationship, my judgment would not have been so clean and clear. We women are emotional creatures, and we (myself included) tend to get attached when a man becomes one with us.
So, a few conclusions I drew from this story:
1. If you have great communication with a guy without the initial attraction, give it a try and see if something will grow!
2. Try to feel his touch beforehand. If while he is slightly touching you you get those sweet shivers in your body, there is a good chance he will make you feel the same in the bedroom.
3. Make sure he is a giver, meaning he is open with his feelings and his heart. If he is, there’s a good chance he will be attentive and giving in the bedroom as well.
4. Remember that no one is perfect, and compromise is key.
5. Sexual encounters have a very powerful impact on our judgment.
6. Don’t take it lightly to let another’s baggage, physical and emotional energy charges into your body!
7. The secret for successful relationships in my eyes is: He needs to love you slightly more!
Here’s hoping we can all find our Don Juan lover. AMEN 🙂